"Normal" Eating

I am reading yet another book on the subject of eating disorders. Boy Wonder said we should have our own self-help section at the house when we move in together. This book was recommended by our couple's therapist. Yes, we are in couple's counseling. Whatever. Anyway, the title of the book is When Food is Love. It's a very good book so far. Right now, I'm at the part where the author is suggesting that you should pretty much eat whatever you want. Novel idea, huh? Sure, just eat what I want when I want. Is she kidding? I am a total all or nothing kind of girl (as most people with eating disorders are). So if I crave pizza for breakfast, I should just eat it. Of course the author also says to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. Therein lies the problem. Whenever Boy Wonder and I order pizza, he will eat a respectable two pieces. But before he knows it, I've inhaled just about the entire pizza (that is what I like to call a trigger food). Where is my internal mechanism that tells me when I'm full? Broken. I'm not sure I ever had one to begin with.

So you can see why the thought of eating whatever I want whenever I want would terrify me. Think about what that would do to my waistline. My entire life (no lie) is spent obsessing about food. I am constantly thinking about all the foods I want to eat, but can't. Or all the foods I want to gorge myself on later. I barely get done with one meal before I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat for my next one. But the thought of being able to eat the way the author is talking about feels me with this unbelievable sense of freedom. I would love to be like that. I admire the hell out of people like that. I would love to have two slices of pizza or a cheeseburger and fries simply because I'm craving it. Maybe I would actually take the time to taste the food because I don't do that so much now.

But if I do that, I never stop there. I just start mentally obsessing about how many calories I just ate and I start thinking about how fat I am and I will never lose weight eating this way. Then I think that I've already blown it, so what the hell? Might as well eat the whole damn pizza. Or get a double quarter pounder at McDonald's instead of a cheeseburger. I can't even really enjoy dinner with my friends or family because I am constantly thinking about what I'm going to eat. Or kicking myself for what I just ate. It never stops. So exhausting.

I hope I don't sound like I'm whining too much. This is just what goes on in my brain 24/7. Welcome to my world.